Saturday, May 5, 2018

I Think My Wife Is Out To Get Me

I Think My Wife Is Out To Get Me

I was sitting up in bed last night, watching a Masterpiece Mystery I had previously recorded, when I heard my wife approaching our bedroom.  Suddenly, an object flew at me, narrowly missed me and fell behind our bed.

Startled, I looked up to see my wife looking at me and stifling a laugh.  

“What is going on?” I demanded.

“You have poor reflexes”, she said.

“What did you throw at me?” I said.

“A packet of M&M’s, I wanted to surprise you” Barbara answered.

“Why didn’t you at least give me a warning, a heads up for instance?” I asked.

She just smiled.

“You could have hit me in the eye.  I had no idea you were throwing something at me”, I stated.

Barbara laughed a little.

She had no explanation about why she had thrown the packet without warning me and laughed every time I brought it up.

Now everyone thinks Barbara is sweet and loving.  After 50 years I know better.

Usually Barbara waits until after we pay my life insurance premiums to take action.  She has been known to buy foods with Sesame in the ingredients (I am highly allergic to sesame and will have a severe reaction if I ingest any) and pretend she didn’t know it was in the food, order foods at restaurants with sesame, and allow me to use sharp objects.  Once she ate Sesame Chicken at a Chinese Buffet and then insisted on kissing me, making sure to spread the sesame oil from the chicken from her lips to mine.

Her cover story is that she carries with her Benadryl tablets to counter any “mistakes” I make.  However, they always seem to happen after the insurance premium is paid, and the tablets are several years old and expired.

The other windy day she insisted I trim the bushes and palm trees in our front yard.  This required me to stand high up on a rickety ladder.  I asked her to steady the ladder, but midway through something “caught her eye” and she had to go attend to it.

I was a little taken back by this action and the throwing of the candy as our insurance premium wasn’t due for a couple of months.

Either she is getting more brazen, desperate, or less afraid of the consequences of her actions; or more likely, after 50 years, she’s just had enough.

You decide.

Monday, January 8, 2018

It’s Nice To Be Remembered

People seem to remember me, I’m not sure why.  However it does have its advantages.

Barbara has been complaining that her red Coach bag was becoming worn.  I know that right after Christmas, Coach has a very big sale.  Because I like to surprise Barbara with things, I went by myself to the mall where the Coach outlet store was located.  I did ask our friend to accompany me as she is very knowledgable about pocketbooks. Unfortunately she was unable to come along that day.

I got to the area where there are a lot of stores that sell nice pocketbooks.  I proceeded to go in and look around for one that I found interesting and that Barbara would like.

In each store I sought out a knowledgable sales person. They all took pity on me and thought it was adorable and charming I was doing this for my wife.  I told them what specifications Barbara would want in a pocketbook and then let them show me what was available.

The Coach sales person, who turned out to be the manager, was particularly helpful.  She initially turned me over to a sales associate but when I couldn't find anything I liked, she stepped in to help. 

She showed me several pocketbooks, one of which I did like but wasn’t sure Barbara would.  

I told the manager I would have to return another time.  

I went to several stores, in one of which I found another pocketbook I liked, but again was not sure Barbara would like it.  I sent a picture to our friend for her opinion, and we both agreed on a No.

I went home without a purchase.

Two weeks later, Barbara and I had an occasion to go to that mall and walk around.

I cleverly steered her to the Coach store where the sale was still in progress.

As we entered the store, we were greeted by the same manager I had been working with.  She handed me the sales flyer and looked at me closely.

“I know you,”  she said, “you were here about 2 weeks ago.”

“That’s right,” I responded, “I’ve brought El Excelente with me this time.” Cue eye roll from Barbara, at both my description of her and the fact that the manager recognized me.

“Let me get you someone to help you and I’ll tell him what you are looking for and some ideas to show you.”

I thanked her and she called over a sales associate and gave him instructions.

We proceeded to look around and I found a pocketbook I liked.  I showed it to Barbara and she liked it too.  The sales associate told us the one we chose was somewhat expensive but he had another one that was just like it except for one minor detail.   We went to where it was and picked out a color that we both agreed on (not black ).  We were told it was 50% off the price.

I went over to the manager and asked for the additional discount being offered on some other pocketbooks.  She told me to go to a different area of the store where there were items with the additional 30%.  

Barbara actually found one there she liked.

I told the sales associate I would take both if he got us the additional 30% on the first one we liked.

He assured me that wouldn’t happen but I could ask the manager.

I went back to the manager with both bags and told her what I wanted.  

At first she resisted.  

I told her I was entitled to a Charming Discount because of how charming I was.  She told me I was charming, that’s why she remembered me.  She took another look at the first bag and told me she would like to help me.  I offered to watch the front of the store for her and greet people with the discount flyer as they entered so she could find a way to help me.  She briefly considered my offer but oddly declined. 

She went over to a price checker and after speaking with that person at the computer, announced there was an additional price discount on that piece.  The discount amounted to the additional 30% on top of the 50%. How could I resist a bargain like that?

We took both bags.  

As we left the store I thanked the manager again.  She was laughing as we left, I’m not sure at what.

We next went to a perfume store that we have bought from several times.

I like perfume stores because I want to pick out ones I like.  Who’s going to smell it anyway? Me, that’s who, so why shouldn’t I pick out one I like. 

I usually tell the sales girl/manager what specifications (I can’t say what they are since my daughter will read this) I want and she proceeds to line the different ones up for my sampling.  We usually buy at least 2.

This time, Barbara was determined only to get another bottle of one she had just used up.  I was under strict orders not to interfere.

Barbara told a sales girl what she wanted and the girl brought it out and quoted us a price substantially higher than we usually pay.

Barbara and I looked at each other quizzically, prepared to not take it.

Just then the manager came out from the back.  She waved at me, smiled and told the sales girl to lower the price to what we usually pay.  

We bought the item and on the way out, I assured the manager I would be back without Barbara to hinder my choices.  She gave me the high sign and we left.

Now I am sure I got the discounts because people remember me.  I also am convinced it’s also because I am “Charming.”

Today in fact I was at the grocery store and handed the cashier a coupon Barbara had given me for an item.  The cashier told me it was expired.  I told her, it wasn’t my fault, my wife had given it to me to use. I tried my best to appear Charming and pitiful.  She took pity on me and gave me the amount off anyway.

I really am Charming.  in fact I’m going to have a T-shirt made that says “I Am Prince Charming”

Barbara just keeps rolling her eyes.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The Price of Beauty

The Price of Beauty

I had to go to Boynton to meet a plumber for a rental unit.  Barbara decided to come along and hang out with my sister, Regina.

I dropped Barbara off and I went to meet the plumber.  Barbara and Regina decided to go shoe shopping.  

Shoe shopping was necessary because Barbara needed a new pair of gold or brown shoes to match a dress she was planning on wearing to my cousin Rocky’s wedding.  

Two nights before she had tried on the dress and shoes she had to match it.  The dress fit fine, but the shoes hurt and she couldn’t walk in them.  

Since they were comparatively new shoes, having been bought when she bought the dress, I was a little taken back by the fact that they didn’t fit.

“How come they hurt you?”, I asked.

“They always hurt a little, but now they hurt a lot.  My foot must have grown”, Barbara replied.

“Why did you buy them if they hurt?  They must have hurt originally, your feet could not have grown so fast” I queried.

“Well, yes, but they matched the dress”  she replied as if that were a valid answer. “I will have to get a new pair.”

“Don’t buy shoes that hurt” I reasonably said.

I got “The Look”, so I let the matter drop.  

As I left Barbara and Regina, I reminded Barbara “don’t get shoes that hurt”.  They both looked at me as if I was an idiot.

I met the plumber and he successfully made the necessary repair.  I returned to Regina’s house to await their arrival after they finished their shopping expedition.

They showed up a couple of hours later, carrying a bag with a shoe box inside.

“Let me see the shoes” I asked.

Barbara showed me the shoes.  A gold sandal with a 3 inch heel.  

“Do they hurt, are they comfortable?” I asked.

“Of course they are comfortable, but I am still going to bring a pair of flats with me to the wedding, because they will probably hurt as the evening wears on” Barbara said.

“What?” I said, “let me get this straight.  You bought shoes you know will hurt you and you will bring a pair of flats to wear for most of the evening.  Is that right? Why didn’t you just buy a pair of gold or brown flats?”

“ I need to make a good impression at the beginning, and flats won’t do that.  Besides these sandals are perfect for the dress”, she said as if I was a complete moron devoid of fashion sense.  My sister nodded in agreement.

I shook my head in frustrated disbelief but refrained from further comments since I knew any appeal to common sense was fruitless.

We left to make the journey home (a distance of approximately 40 miles, a bit of information that will be handy shortly).

We were home for about an hour when my sister called.  Barbara answered.

“Hello. Oh, did I leave that?  No, no, you don’t have to do that.  We’ll probably come and get it tomorrow.  I’ll let you know” Barbara said into the phone.

They chatted for a couple of minutes and then hung up.  Barbara came into the room where I was.

“You’re not going to believe this.  I left my makeup case in Regina’s bathroom”,  Barbara informed me.

“Ok”, I said, “ she can bring it down Sunday (today was Monday) when she comes for the BBQ”.

“I can’t wait that long for it. Either we have to get it or I will have to buy replacement makeup”.

“Why can’t you go “Au Natural” I asked?

“Don’t be ridiculous”, she replied. “I can’t go around without makeup.  Your choice, go up and get it, or buy me more.  Which is it?” 

I thought of having to go with her to buy more makeup.

“Hmmm, maybe we should go up and get it tomorrow.  We’ll go early and have to postpone my previous appointment on Tuesday.” I grumbled.

“Don’t worry, I’ll owe you.  Or you could think of yourself as my Knight Errant, and or a Knight of the Round Table on a quest for  his lady fair” Barbara said.

“Yeah, and your makeup case is the Holy Grail?”.

The next morning, Barbara informed me she was staying home and I was going on this journey alone.  

I had expected something like this occurring and was not surprised.   I grumbled at her about the unfairness of it all, and the length and time consumption of the quest/journey (see how important the bit of previous mileage information is to the story). I might have mentioned how she would surely owe me for this.

Barbara said, “You’re never going to let me forget this, are you?“

A rhetorical question if ever there was one.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Elphaba Takes A Shower, Or I'm Melting, I'm Melting

Elphaba Takes a Shower, or I’m Melting, I’m Melting

I recently had to go to Royal Palm Beach to do some repair at a Condo I own.  On the way back I called my sister and Rocky, my cousin, also referred to here as Elphaba, to meet me for lunch at Brooklyn Bagel in Delray.

I met them there along with Rocky’s fiance, Norman.

We had bagels and egg creams for lunch (we had to show Rocky how to make them).

Norm told me that for a long time he thought my name was “Shellyyouasshole”, or “Shellyyoupieceofshit", loving, adorable pet names Rocky uses whenever referring to, or speaking with me.  I told him I earned those names.

While we were eating, Norm told me of an incident that had occurred the previous day.

Rocky had gone out to water her plants, a patch of dirt outside her front door, an area approximately 3 X 5 that has a few scraggly plants on it.  She came back inside and stood in the front of Norm, with her head down and her lower lip extended in a pout.

“What’s the matter?”, Norm asked.

“I got soaked”, she answered.

“How did that happen?” Norm inquired.

“I don’t know, but I am drenched in water”, Rocky replied.

“Show me what happened”. Norm said.

With that, the two of them went outside and Rocky proceeded to demonstrate what happened, with Norm staying a safe distance away from the demonstration.

Rocky carefully put the hose down near the plants, went to the outside faucet, turned on the water, returned and picked up the hose and with the hose and nozzle firmly clenched on the front of her chest, pressed the lever on the nozzle to spray the water.

Now Regina and I were picturing a gust of wind forcing the spray of water back at Rocky to explain the drenching she had experienced.  That was not the case.

As she pressed the lever on the nozzle, the water started spouting out in all directions from the seal between the nozzle and hose, thus drenching her twice.

Needless to say, Regina, I and Norm couldn’t stop laughing.  Rocky glared daggers at me and hit my sister, who was sitting next to her, on the arm.

“Why are you laughing?”, Rocky demanded indignantly.  “It’s not funny you asshole (directed at me).

“It is funny”, I replied, “and doubly so since you didn’t think to extend your hand with the nozzle away from your chest since you knew what happened last time.”

Rocky continued to glare, hit Regina and make rude gestures at me.  This made us laugh more, including Norm, which made Rocky more agitated.

“You’re lucky you didn’t melt”, I said.

“What do you mean?”, Rocky demanded. “Why should I melt?” 

“You know like, Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz)”, Regina said.

“You better not call me that,” Rocky said to me. “Which one was she anyway, the one with the house on top of her?”

”No, the other one”, Regina replied.

“The GREEN one?” Rocky demanded. “I am not like her, am I?”

This caused more laughter.

“Why can’t you compare me to the other one, the Good Witch Glinda?” Rocky demanded.

“That would be inappropriate for you”, I coyly said.

That got more laughter out of everyone and more glares and inappropriate gestures from Rocky/Elphaba.

“You better not write a blog about this”, Rocky said.

“You know”, Norm said, a good title for the blog would be “Elphaba Takes A Shower”.

Rocky now glared at Norm.

“Yes” I agreed, “or maybe, “I’m Melting, I’m Melting”.  I obviously liked both, hence the above title.

“You know”, I said, “we should test out whether the same problem with the watering will occur if you did it again.  Why don’t we go back to your place and you can show me how the drenching happened” I innocently suggested.

Norm and Regina seemed ok with that but Rocky was having none of it. Making more inappropriate gestures when Norm wasn’t looking her way, since he is trying to get her to be more sedate.   

I announced it was time for me to head home.  Rocky was complaining to people at the next table what idiots we all were for laughing, embarrassing her and disturbing others in the restaurant.

“I”ll show you embarrassing”, I said. 

I was wearing my “fixit clothes” which consists of an old shirt and very torn jeans with large holes in the knees.

As I stood up, I exclaimed: “What do you mean there’s no money for me to buy new clothes?”.  And with that I fake stormed out.

Norm and Regina also left, but Rocky felt it was her duty to tell the tables around us that I had just gotten out of the hospital and was off my meds.

I returned to my house and Norm, Rocky and Regina did some errands and then went to Rocky’s.

About an hour after I got home, I got a phone call from Regina.  I answered and all I could hear was hysterical laughter.

“She did it again”, I said into the phone.

After Regina caught her breath from laughing so hard, she confirmed that Rocky, trying to show Regina what happened, had indeed drenched herself again. 

You know what they always say” “Third times the charm”.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Ignoring My Horoscope

Ignoring My Horoscope

I was sitting reading the newspaper and had just gotten to the page that gives horoscopes.  It said, “Don’t lift anything heavy, you will hurt your back”.

Now usually, the advice in a horoscope is rather vague.  This was very specific, and while I am not a believer, its directness struck me as being good advice to follow.  

I was contemplating this advice, when Barbara came into the room and announced her agenda for the day.

It seemed that we were “scheduled” to go to Home Depot and get several bags of mulch for our front yard.

After contemplating pretending to be deaf, I instead decided to be honest and show Barbara the critical advice I had just received.

“I cannot do this today,” I replied, “my horoscope says I shouldn’t lift anything”.

“That’s just your interpretation of what it says,” she said. “You’re always twisting what it says to favor what you want or don’t want to do.”

“No, no,” I pleaded my case, “just look at it”.

Barbara ignored me

“Really, it’s very specific this time, not open to interpretation. It must be a message from the Gods.  How can we ignore this message?”

She looked at the horoscope.

“This is just like the prescription from Dr. Marks that said “No Ragu”, or the prescription from the oncologist’s office that said “no painting for cancer patients because they are sensitive to paint fumes.”   I don’t care what your horoscope says, we’re getting the mulch!”, she said adamantly.

I kept protesting, arguing about the specificity of the prediction.  Barbara was not to be moved.

We had to go out that morning to do some errands and Barbara insisted on stopping for mulch.  We wound up with seven bags which we then spread around the front garden.

“See,” Barbara said, “you didn’t hurt your back, did you?”

I seriously considered groaning and faking a severe backache, but decided telling people about Barbara’s blatant disregard for my well being was funnier. I await your sympathy.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

The Whip Cream Incident

The Whip Cream Incident

As many of you know, I am a friendly guy who likes to talk with people.  I always consider this to be a positive attribute.  Barbara doesn't always agree with my assessment of my better qualities.

The other night we found ourselves at Publix Supermarket near our home. 

I had baked a new recipe for a Cannoli Cheese Cake, which I was going to bring to a BBQ swim party at the beach.  The recipe called for covering the top of the cake with whip cream and chocolate chip morsels as a finishing touch.  Since I couldn’t make my own whip cream at the beach, I thought it prudent to buy a can of Whip Cream to take with me.

We both entered the store and I proceeded to the back of the store to get the can of whip cream.  We then approached the cashier with it.

The cashier, a woman of about 45-50 asked. “anything else?”

“No,” I said, “that’s all she asked me to get.  She’s a little Kinky”, I replied innocently.

The cashier was taken aback for a second, seeming to process what I had said.  She started to smile, then giggle, then laugh.  The bag boy, a young man in his late teens, also grinned and giggled.  Barbara turned bright red.

“He baked a cake!” she almost shouted.

“I did bake a cake,” I said. “But that’s only one use for the whip cream”.

The cashier kept looking between Barbara and I, and giggling.  Barbara continued to turn even redder.

The young female manager came over to see what the laughing was all about.  The cashier related what had just been said, causing the manager to laugh along with the cashier and bag boy.  Barbara kept getting redder.

“I’ll bet this is the most fun you’ve had with a customer today, isn’t it?” Barbara asked the cashier.

“I have to say. its the most fun I’ve had in a long while with a customer.  You guys are such fun,” the cashier replied.

“It’s for a cake,” Barbara kept insisting while continuing to blush furiously.

The cashier turned to me and said, “she’s gong to kill you when you get home”.

I laughed and said,“ I have the car keys.

“Well then, she’s going to kill you in the parking lot” the cashier said grinning at me.

“Probably” I said laughing.  Barbara who was still red started to laugh also.

We continued laughing as we exited the store and laughed about it for the rest of the night.

It’s a good thing Barbara has a sense of humor, or I WOULD BE dead.