I Think My Wife Is Out To Get Me
I was sitting up in bed last night, watching a Masterpiece Mystery I had previously recorded, when I heard my wife approaching our bedroom. Suddenly, an object flew at me, narrowly missed me and fell behind our bed.
Startled, I looked up to see my wife looking at me and stifling a laugh.
“What is going on?” I demanded.
“You have poor reflexes”, she said.
“What did you throw at me?” I said.
“A packet of M&M’s, I wanted to surprise you” Barbara answered.
“Why didn’t you at least give me a warning, a heads up for instance?” I asked.
She just smiled.
“You could have hit me in the eye. I had no idea you were throwing something at me”, I stated.
Barbara laughed a little.
She had no explanation about why she had thrown the packet without warning me and laughed every time I brought it up.
Now everyone thinks Barbara is sweet and loving. After 50 years I know better.
Usually Barbara waits until after we pay my life insurance premiums to take action. She has been known to buy foods with Sesame in the ingredients (I am highly allergic to sesame and will have a severe reaction if I ingest any) and pretend she didn’t know it was in the food, order foods at restaurants with sesame, and allow me to use sharp objects. Once she ate Sesame Chicken at a Chinese Buffet and then insisted on kissing me, making sure to spread the sesame oil from the chicken from her lips to mine.
Her cover story is that she carries with her Benadryl tablets to counter any “mistakes” I make. However, they always seem to happen after the insurance premium is paid, and the tablets are several years old and expired.
The other windy day she insisted I trim the bushes and palm trees in our front yard. This required me to stand high up on a rickety ladder. I asked her to steady the ladder, but midway through something “caught her eye” and she had to go attend to it.
I was a little taken back by this action and the throwing of the candy as our insurance premium wasn’t due for a couple of months.
Either she is getting more brazen, desperate, or less afraid of the consequences of her actions; or more likely, after 50 years, she’s just had enough.