Peeing at the Board of Ed
Barbara was getting her elementary teaching license in New York City. In order to do that, you had to fill out the application deliver it to the Board of Ed headquarters in Brooklyn, and while you were there, submit to a urine test.
Sounds simple enough, says the guy who could pee on demand. Not so simple for certain other people.
It was winter, and there was ice and slush on the ground. Barbara asked me to take her to the Board of Ed Headquarters. Her appointment was for 9:00 AM, making us travel in NY rush hour, a daunting task by car or any other means for that matter.
We arrived slightly before 9, and turned in her application. Next came the urine test. Not really sure what they were testing for, but I was confident Barbara would be fine.
We reported to the lady who conducts the test. She gave Barbara the sample bottle and asked her to go to the bathroom down the hall and come back with the sample.
Barbara dutifully went to the bathroom.
About 10 minutes later, Barbara came out and gestured for me to join her down the hall. She told me she couldn’t urinate. She tried but she wasn’t ready.
She proceeded to drink water, run the faucet, all to no avail.
What to do, what to do?
I had a simple and I believed foolproof solution. I would pee in the container. How could it hurt? I wasn’t taking drugs or sick with a communicable disease: what else would they test for? The best part was I could pee anytime, anywhere. A win, win.
Barbara of course was against the idea. She tried peeing again, no luck.
Finally after about an hour of fruitless effort, she agreed, albeit under protest.
As advertised, I was able to pee into the cup. Barbara returned the cup to the woman in charge who told us to wait.
After about a half hour the woman returns and tells us Barbara will have to make a new appointment. She tells us the urine was not Barbara’s.
How she knew that, I never really was sure. Did the Board of Ed check for sex of the applicant, thinking perhaps to find a Transvestite in their midst? I don’t know. The woman didn’t seem concerned that the urine wasn’t Barbara’s; she just wanted her to make a new appointment.
We made the appointment for two days from then.
Barbara was determined not to duplicate the last visit, so she pee’d at home into a small bottle and brought it with her. We arrived at the lady’s desk and presented the bottle.
“Sorry,” she said, “it’s too cold, which means too old”.
“What??? What does that have to do with it?” I asked.
“It’s the rules,” she said, “has to be fresh for testing”.
Once again Barbara couldn’t perform on demand. A new appointment was made.
They say the third time is the charm, they were right. Barbara held it in from when she first got up in the morning (an unbelievable feat as far as I’m concerned) and passed the test.
I had to return to the Board of Ed for my own testing a few months later.
Aced it the first time.