Thursday, October 11, 2018

A Discount For Prince Charming


A Discount For Prince Charming

Now, as I’ve mentioned before, I am somewhat outgoing and like to have fun.  When I am at a restaurant, grocery store, retail location or just about anywhere, I occasionally strike up a conversation with people.  I often ask for a discount because I am so charming, and mostly I get a smile and an “unfortunately I can’t” from some of the older women who I have conversed with. Sometimes it actually works, and I get a little “Charming” discount. The younger girls don’t understand and just look at me dumbly most of the time.

I find this fun, and I hope the recipients of my “charm” feel the same.  Not so my wife.

Barbara finds my behavior annoying and does not want me to engage in such pursuits.  

I try (not usually successfully) to curb my enthusiasm while Barbara is around in order to comply with her wishes.  I do feel no such impetus to “behave” when she is not present.

The other day I had just finished a round of golf with a friend of mine.  He suggested we go for BBQ for lunch and suggested a nearby location.  I agreed and we rode off to have lunch.

We got there and had to wait in line to order.  

When it was my turn, I approached a pretty, young girl at the register. 

“Hello Tiffany,” I said in a cheery voice. “How are you today?”  I smiled at her.

“Fine,” she replied, “but my name is not Tiffany, it is Jasmine.”

“Jasmine?” I inquired. “But it says Tiffany on this name plate in front of the register.”

“I know, I haven’t changed it to my own name yet.  What would you like?” she replied.

“I’m not sure, what is good here, it is my first time here.”

We had a nice conversation and she made some recommendations for me.  I eventually ordered a Brisket Sandwich, coleslaw and a coke.  I estimated the bill at $10.

There was no one behind me so we talked some more, just kibitzing a little, while she started to ring up my order.

“i’m going to give you a discount,” she said.

“Really?  Great!  Is it because I’m so charming?” I asked winsomely with a big smile.
“Well, partly,” she replied. “That, and you were so friendly and happy you made me feel good.  I’m not going to charge you for the sandwich or the coleslaw.  Your bill is $2.”

“Oh wow” was all I could think of.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes, $2 please.”

I got out a $5 and handed it to her.  She tried to give me $3 back but I told her to keep the change.

She gave me my receipt and told me to wait for my order at the end of the counter.  I gave her my warmest smile and she smiled back as I moved down the counter.

I have no idea why that happened, I think it was my “charming personality”  that brightened a hectic day for her; and this was her way of showing her appreciation.

However, I prefer to think the “real” reason is: “I’ve still got it”.




Saturday, May 5, 2018

I Think My Wife Is Out To Get Me


I Think My Wife Is Out To Get Me

I was sitting up in bed last night, watching a Masterpiece Mystery I had previously recorded, when I heard my wife approaching our bedroom.  Suddenly, an object flew at me, narrowly missed me and fell behind our bed.

Startled, I looked up to see my wife looking at me and stifling a laugh.  

“What is going on?” I demanded.

“You have poor reflexes”, she said.

“What did you throw at me?” I said.

“A packet of M&M’s, I wanted to surprise you” Barbara answered.

“Why didn’t you at least give me a warning, a heads up for instance?” I asked.

She just smiled.

“You could have hit me in the eye.  I had no idea you were throwing something at me”, I stated.

Barbara laughed a little.

She had no explanation about why she had thrown the packet without warning me and laughed every time I brought it up.

Now everyone thinks Barbara is sweet and loving.  After 50 years I know better.

Usually Barbara waits until after we pay my life insurance premiums to take action.  She has been known to buy foods with Sesame in the ingredients (I am highly allergic to sesame and will have a severe reaction if I ingest any) and pretend she didn’t know it was in the food, order foods at restaurants with sesame, and allow me to use sharp objects.  Once she ate Sesame Chicken at a Chinese Buffet and then insisted on kissing me, making sure to spread the sesame oil from the chicken from her lips to mine.

Her cover story is that she carries with her Benadryl tablets to counter any “mistakes” I make.  However, they always seem to happen after the insurance premium is paid, and the tablets are several years old and expired.

The other windy day she insisted I trim the bushes and palm trees in our front yard.  This required me to stand high up on a rickety ladder.  I asked her to steady the ladder, but midway through something “caught her eye” and she had to go attend to it.

I was a little taken back by this action and the throwing of the candy as our insurance premium wasn’t due for a couple of months.

Either she is getting more brazen, desperate, or less afraid of the consequences of her actions; or more likely, after 50 years, she’s just had enough.

You decide.

Monday, January 8, 2018

It’s Nice To Be Remembered

People seem to remember me, I’m not sure why.  However it does have its advantages.

Barbara has been complaining that her red Coach bag was becoming worn.  I know that right after Christmas, Coach has a very big sale.  Because I like to surprise Barbara with things, I went by myself to the mall where the Coach outlet store was located.  I did ask our friend to accompany me as she is very knowledgable about pocketbooks. Unfortunately she was unable to come along that day.

I got to the area where there are a lot of stores that sell nice pocketbooks.  I proceeded to go in and look around for one that I found interesting and that Barbara would like.

In each store I sought out a knowledgable sales person. They all took pity on me and thought it was adorable and charming I was doing this for my wife.  I told them what specifications Barbara would want in a pocketbook and then let them show me what was available.

The Coach sales person, who turned out to be the manager, was particularly helpful.  She initially turned me over to a sales associate but when I couldn't find anything I liked, she stepped in to help. 

She showed me several pocketbooks, one of which I did like but wasn’t sure Barbara would.  

I told the manager I would have to return another time.  

I went to several stores, in one of which I found another pocketbook I liked, but again was not sure Barbara would like it.  I sent a picture to our friend for her opinion, and we both agreed on a No.

I went home without a purchase.

Two weeks later, Barbara and I had an occasion to go to that mall and walk around.

I cleverly steered her to the Coach store where the sale was still in progress.

As we entered the store, we were greeted by the same manager I had been working with.  She handed me the sales flyer and looked at me closely.

“I know you,”  she said, “you were here about 2 weeks ago.”

“That’s right,” I responded, “I’ve brought El Excelente with me this time.” Cue eye roll from Barbara, at both my description of her and the fact that the manager recognized me.

“Let me get you someone to help you and I’ll tell him what you are looking for and some ideas to show you.”

I thanked her and she called over a sales associate and gave him instructions.

We proceeded to look around and I found a pocketbook I liked.  I showed it to Barbara and she liked it too.  The sales associate told us the one we chose was somewhat expensive but he had another one that was just like it except for one minor detail.   We went to where it was and picked out a color that we both agreed on (not black ).  We were told it was 50% off the price.

I went over to the manager and asked for the additional discount being offered on some other pocketbooks.  She told me to go to a different area of the store where there were items with the additional 30%.  

Barbara actually found one there she liked.

I told the sales associate I would take both if he got us the additional 30% on the first one we liked.

He assured me that wouldn’t happen but I could ask the manager.

I went back to the manager with both bags and told her what I wanted.  

At first she resisted.  

I told her I was entitled to a Charming Discount because of how charming I was.  She told me I was charming, that’s why she remembered me.  She took another look at the first bag and told me she would like to help me.  I offered to watch the front of the store for her and greet people with the discount flyer as they entered so she could find a way to help me.  She briefly considered my offer but oddly declined. 

She went over to a price checker and after speaking with that person at the computer, announced there was an additional price discount on that piece.  The discount amounted to the additional 30% on top of the 50%. How could I resist a bargain like that?

We took both bags.  

As we left the store I thanked the manager again.  She was laughing as we left, I’m not sure at what.

We next went to a perfume store that we have bought from several times.

I like perfume stores because I want to pick out ones I like.  Who’s going to smell it anyway? Me, that’s who, so why shouldn’t I pick out one I like. 

I usually tell the sales girl/manager what specifications (I can’t say what they are since my daughter will read this) I want and she proceeds to line the different ones up for my sampling.  We usually buy at least 2.

This time, Barbara was determined only to get another bottle of one she had just used up.  I was under strict orders not to interfere.

Barbara told a sales girl what she wanted and the girl brought it out and quoted us a price substantially higher than we usually pay.

Barbara and I looked at each other quizzically, prepared to not take it.

Just then the manager came out from the back.  She waved at me, smiled and told the sales girl to lower the price to what we usually pay.  

We bought the item and on the way out, I assured the manager I would be back without Barbara to hinder my choices.  She gave me the high sign and we left.

Now I am sure I got the discounts because people remember me.  I also am convinced it’s also because I am “Charming.”

Today in fact I was at the grocery store and handed the cashier a coupon Barbara had given me for an item.  The cashier told me it was expired.  I told her, it wasn’t my fault, my wife had given it to me to use. I tried my best to appear Charming and pitiful.  She took pity on me and gave me the amount off anyway.

I really am Charming.  in fact I’m going to have a T-shirt made that says “I Am Prince Charming”

Barbara just keeps rolling her eyes.