Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The Price of Beauty

The Price of Beauty

I had to go to Boynton to meet a plumber for a rental unit.  Barbara decided to come along and hang out with my sister, Regina.

I dropped Barbara off and I went to meet the plumber.  Barbara and Regina decided to go shoe shopping.  

Shoe shopping was necessary because Barbara needed a new pair of gold or brown shoes to match a dress she was planning on wearing to my cousin Rocky’s wedding.  

Two nights before she had tried on the dress and shoes she had to match it.  The dress fit fine, but the shoes hurt and she couldn’t walk in them.  

Since they were comparatively new shoes, having been bought when she bought the dress, I was a little taken back by the fact that they didn’t fit.

“How come they hurt you?”, I asked.

“They always hurt a little, but now they hurt a lot.  My foot must have grown”, Barbara replied.

“Why did you buy them if they hurt?  They must have hurt originally, your feet could not have grown so fast” I queried.

“Well, yes, but they matched the dress”  she replied as if that were a valid answer. “I will have to get a new pair.”

“Don’t buy shoes that hurt” I reasonably said.

I got “The Look”, so I let the matter drop.  

As I left Barbara and Regina, I reminded Barbara “don’t get shoes that hurt”.  They both looked at me as if I was an idiot.

I met the plumber and he successfully made the necessary repair.  I returned to Regina’s house to await their arrival after they finished their shopping expedition.

They showed up a couple of hours later, carrying a bag with a shoe box inside.

“Let me see the shoes” I asked.

Barbara showed me the shoes.  A gold sandal with a 3 inch heel.  

“Do they hurt, are they comfortable?” I asked.

“Of course they are comfortable, but I am still going to bring a pair of flats with me to the wedding, because they will probably hurt as the evening wears on” Barbara said.

“What?” I said, “let me get this straight.  You bought shoes you know will hurt you and you will bring a pair of flats to wear for most of the evening.  Is that right? Why didn’t you just buy a pair of gold or brown flats?”

“ I need to make a good impression at the beginning, and flats won’t do that.  Besides these sandals are perfect for the dress”, she said as if I was a complete moron devoid of fashion sense.  My sister nodded in agreement.

I shook my head in frustrated disbelief but refrained from further comments since I knew any appeal to common sense was fruitless.

We left to make the journey home (a distance of approximately 40 miles, a bit of information that will be handy shortly).

We were home for about an hour when my sister called.  Barbara answered.

“Hello. Oh, did I leave that?  No, no, you don’t have to do that.  We’ll probably come and get it tomorrow.  I’ll let you know” Barbara said into the phone.

They chatted for a couple of minutes and then hung up.  Barbara came into the room where I was.

“You’re not going to believe this.  I left my makeup case in Regina’s bathroom”,  Barbara informed me.

“Ok”, I said, “ she can bring it down Sunday (today was Monday) when she comes for the BBQ”.

“I can’t wait that long for it. Either we have to get it or I will have to buy replacement makeup”.

“Why can’t you go “Au Natural” I asked?

“Don’t be ridiculous”, she replied. “I can’t go around without makeup.  Your choice, go up and get it, or buy me more.  Which is it?” 

I thought of having to go with her to buy more makeup.

“Hmmm, maybe we should go up and get it tomorrow.  We’ll go early and have to postpone my previous appointment on Tuesday.” I grumbled.

“Don’t worry, I’ll owe you.  Or you could think of yourself as my Knight Errant, and or a Knight of the Round Table on a quest for  his lady fair” Barbara said.

“Yeah, and your makeup case is the Holy Grail?”.

The next morning, Barbara informed me she was staying home and I was going on this journey alone.  

I had expected something like this occurring and was not surprised.   I grumbled at her about the unfairness of it all, and the length and time consumption of the quest/journey (see how important the bit of previous mileage information is to the story). I might have mentioned how she would surely owe me for this.

Barbara said, “You’re never going to let me forget this, are you?“

A rhetorical question if ever there was one.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Elphaba Takes A Shower, Or I'm Melting, I'm Melting

Elphaba Takes a Shower, or I’m Melting, I’m Melting

I recently had to go to Royal Palm Beach to do some repair at a Condo I own.  On the way back I called my sister and Rocky, my cousin, also referred to here as Elphaba, to meet me for lunch at Brooklyn Bagel in Delray.

I met them there along with Rocky’s fiance, Norman.

We had bagels and egg creams for lunch (we had to show Rocky how to make them).

Norm told me that for a long time he thought my name was “Shellyyouasshole”, or “Shellyyoupieceofshit", loving, adorable pet names Rocky uses whenever referring to, or speaking with me.  I told him I earned those names.

While we were eating, Norm told me of an incident that had occurred the previous day.

Rocky had gone out to water her plants, a patch of dirt outside her front door, an area approximately 3 X 5 that has a few scraggly plants on it.  She came back inside and stood in the front of Norm, with her head down and her lower lip extended in a pout.

“What’s the matter?”, Norm asked.

“I got soaked”, she answered.

“How did that happen?” Norm inquired.

“I don’t know, but I am drenched in water”, Rocky replied.

“Show me what happened”. Norm said.

With that, the two of them went outside and Rocky proceeded to demonstrate what happened, with Norm staying a safe distance away from the demonstration.

Rocky carefully put the hose down near the plants, went to the outside faucet, turned on the water, returned and picked up the hose and with the hose and nozzle firmly clenched on the front of her chest, pressed the lever on the nozzle to spray the water.

Now Regina and I were picturing a gust of wind forcing the spray of water back at Rocky to explain the drenching she had experienced.  That was not the case.

As she pressed the lever on the nozzle, the water started spouting out in all directions from the seal between the nozzle and hose, thus drenching her twice.

Needless to say, Regina, I and Norm couldn’t stop laughing.  Rocky glared daggers at me and hit my sister, who was sitting next to her, on the arm.

“Why are you laughing?”, Rocky demanded indignantly.  “It’s not funny you asshole (directed at me).

“It is funny”, I replied, “and doubly so since you didn’t think to extend your hand with the nozzle away from your chest since you knew what happened last time.”

Rocky continued to glare, hit Regina and make rude gestures at me.  This made us laugh more, including Norm, which made Rocky more agitated.

“You’re lucky you didn’t melt”, I said.

“What do you mean?”, Rocky demanded. “Why should I melt?” 

“You know like, Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz)”, Regina said.

“You better not call me that,” Rocky said to me. “Which one was she anyway, the one with the house on top of her?”

”No, the other one”, Regina replied.

“The GREEN one?” Rocky demanded. “I am not like her, am I?”

This caused more laughter.

“Why can’t you compare me to the other one, the Good Witch Glinda?” Rocky demanded.

“That would be inappropriate for you”, I coyly said.

That got more laughter out of everyone and more glares and inappropriate gestures from Rocky/Elphaba.

“You better not write a blog about this”, Rocky said.

“You know”, Norm said, a good title for the blog would be “Elphaba Takes A Shower”.

Rocky now glared at Norm.

“Yes” I agreed, “or maybe, “I’m Melting, I’m Melting”.  I obviously liked both, hence the above title.

“You know”, I said, “we should test out whether the same problem with the watering will occur if you did it again.  Why don’t we go back to your place and you can show me how the drenching happened” I innocently suggested.

Norm and Regina seemed ok with that but Rocky was having none of it. Making more inappropriate gestures when Norm wasn’t looking her way, since he is trying to get her to be more sedate.   

I announced it was time for me to head home.  Rocky was complaining to people at the next table what idiots we all were for laughing, embarrassing her and disturbing others in the restaurant.

“I”ll show you embarrassing”, I said. 

I was wearing my “fixit clothes” which consists of an old shirt and very torn jeans with large holes in the knees.

As I stood up, I exclaimed: “What do you mean there’s no money for me to buy new clothes?”.  And with that I fake stormed out.

Norm and Regina also left, but Rocky felt it was her duty to tell the tables around us that I had just gotten out of the hospital and was off my meds.

I returned to my house and Norm, Rocky and Regina did some errands and then went to Rocky’s.

About an hour after I got home, I got a phone call from Regina.  I answered and all I could hear was hysterical laughter.

“She did it again”, I said into the phone.

After Regina caught her breath from laughing so hard, she confirmed that Rocky, trying to show Regina what happened, had indeed drenched herself again. 

You know what they always say” “Third times the charm”.