Monday, February 13, 2017

Elphaba Takes A Shower, Or I'm Melting, I'm Melting

Elphaba Takes a Shower, or I’m Melting, I’m Melting

I recently had to go to Royal Palm Beach to do some repair at a Condo I own.  On the way back I called my sister and Rocky, my cousin, also referred to here as Elphaba, to meet me for lunch at Brooklyn Bagel in Delray.

I met them there along with Rocky’s fiance, Norman.

We had bagels and egg creams for lunch (we had to show Rocky how to make them).

Norm told me that for a long time he thought my name was “Shellyyouasshole”, or “Shellyyoupieceofshit", loving, adorable pet names Rocky uses whenever referring to, or speaking with me.  I told him I earned those names.

While we were eating, Norm told me of an incident that had occurred the previous day.

Rocky had gone out to water her plants, a patch of dirt outside her front door, an area approximately 3 X 5 that has a few scraggly plants on it.  She came back inside and stood in the front of Norm, with her head down and her lower lip extended in a pout.

“What’s the matter?”, Norm asked.

“I got soaked”, she answered.

“How did that happen?” Norm inquired.

“I don’t know, but I am drenched in water”, Rocky replied.

“Show me what happened”. Norm said.

With that, the two of them went outside and Rocky proceeded to demonstrate what happened, with Norm staying a safe distance away from the demonstration.

Rocky carefully put the hose down near the plants, went to the outside faucet, turned on the water, returned and picked up the hose and with the hose and nozzle firmly clenched on the front of her chest, pressed the lever on the nozzle to spray the water.

Now Regina and I were picturing a gust of wind forcing the spray of water back at Rocky to explain the drenching she had experienced.  That was not the case.

As she pressed the lever on the nozzle, the water started spouting out in all directions from the seal between the nozzle and hose, thus drenching her twice.

Needless to say, Regina, I and Norm couldn’t stop laughing.  Rocky glared daggers at me and hit my sister, who was sitting next to her, on the arm.

“Why are you laughing?”, Rocky demanded indignantly.  “It’s not funny you asshole (directed at me).

“It is funny”, I replied, “and doubly so since you didn’t think to extend your hand with the nozzle away from your chest since you knew what happened last time.”

Rocky continued to glare, hit Regina and make rude gestures at me.  This made us laugh more, including Norm, which made Rocky more agitated.

“You’re lucky you didn’t melt”, I said.

“What do you mean?”, Rocky demanded. “Why should I melt?” 

“You know like, Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz)”, Regina said.

“You better not call me that,” Rocky said to me. “Which one was she anyway, the one with the house on top of her?”

”No, the other one”, Regina replied.

“The GREEN one?” Rocky demanded. “I am not like her, am I?”

This caused more laughter.

“Why can’t you compare me to the other one, the Good Witch Glinda?” Rocky demanded.

“That would be inappropriate for you”, I coyly said.

That got more laughter out of everyone and more glares and inappropriate gestures from Rocky/Elphaba.

“You better not write a blog about this”, Rocky said.

“You know”, Norm said, a good title for the blog would be “Elphaba Takes A Shower”.

Rocky now glared at Norm.

“Yes” I agreed, “or maybe, “I’m Melting, I’m Melting”.  I obviously liked both, hence the above title.

“You know”, I said, “we should test out whether the same problem with the watering will occur if you did it again.  Why don’t we go back to your place and you can show me how the drenching happened” I innocently suggested.

Norm and Regina seemed ok with that but Rocky was having none of it. Making more inappropriate gestures when Norm wasn’t looking her way, since he is trying to get her to be more sedate.   

I announced it was time for me to head home.  Rocky was complaining to people at the next table what idiots we all were for laughing, embarrassing her and disturbing others in the restaurant.

“I”ll show you embarrassing”, I said. 

I was wearing my “fixit clothes” which consists of an old shirt and very torn jeans with large holes in the knees.

As I stood up, I exclaimed: “What do you mean there’s no money for me to buy new clothes?”.  And with that I fake stormed out.

Norm and Regina also left, but Rocky felt it was her duty to tell the tables around us that I had just gotten out of the hospital and was off my meds.

I returned to my house and Norm, Rocky and Regina did some errands and then went to Rocky’s.

About an hour after I got home, I got a phone call from Regina.  I answered and all I could hear was hysterical laughter.

“She did it again”, I said into the phone.

After Regina caught her breath from laughing so hard, she confirmed that Rocky, trying to show Regina what happened, had indeed drenched herself again. 

You know what they always say” “Third times the charm”.

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